Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2003 July
2003 June
2003 May
My Links
Doug Fell Down
Big Sky Productions
Personality Disorder Test
SadieInThailand
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Thailand, Uncensored |
| 07.21.03 (10:32 pm) [edit] |
so if you care about me at all, you've read my few entries in the SadieInThailand blog. But there's some things i can't mention there: like that i am totally in love with this 17-year-old Thai girl named Nuy (say New-EE) and I can't tell her or anyone else here. First of all, i'm pretty sure she's straight, though i don't know that she would even know if she wasn't. The thing is, all the girls here are affectionate with each other, in that they'll hold hands and cuddle and flirt with their best platonic friends. And all she and her best friend, Tao (say Dow) talk about is Japanese boys; they're crazy, absolutely nutty about Japan. Second, about half the people I know here are Christian, including all the Americans, and it would be uncomfortable on both sides if they suddenly found out I liked women. Third, if Nuy doesn't like me that way (though its hard to tell; she's more "affectionate" towards me than even to Tao and tells me all the time she "loves" me) it might be awkward and she's really one of my best friends here and i don't want to lose that. And in the rare case that she DOES like me like that, she'll be totally heartbroken when i leave. come to think of it i might be to. Of course, part of me is saying, i'm only gonna be here another couple of weeks, why the hell not chance it? Won't I regret not trying more than I'd regret trying and failing?
I had a dream last night where I met this beautiful blond woman a few years older than me, and thought she was flirting with me until her girlfriend--who i actually recognized from school, though none of you would know here and in reality she's straight i think-- showed up and they started making out. I just ran, angry and crying, and later went balistic on the girlfriend, yelling about how i hadn't had a girlfriend in over a year and what right did she have taking blondie... i mean totally irrational stuff like that. After that they both avoided me, obviously, which only added to my desperate lonliness. Yeah, I've got issues alright.
But other than this enormous conflict of hormones and intellect, I'm really doing fine. Haven't aquired all those drugs I mentioned before, I guess I still feel a little shady about it. Probably just as well. I've only had 2 beers since i came to Loei, but I haven't been able to give up smoking altogether; about every other night i sneak out back for a cig. damn that nicotine. but i'm finally starting to relax and get into the pattern of life here.
k, gonna update my SadieInThailand blog now.
|
|
|
| |
| on again, off again |
| 06.20.03 (8:20 pm) [edit] |
i'm leavin' on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again...
actually that's not true, i'll be back the last week in august. ugh, my favorite time in whitefish. NOT. its dry and there's too many tourists. BUT, where i'm going, there's no tourists, and its hot and wet (the weather is like 85 and stormy) and the food is too good to be true. I'll be keeping this blog as well as another, more public (i.e. PG rated) one, called SadieInThailand. Its in my links. I will try to make it as entertaining as possible, but not so much that you get jealous and want to beat me over the head with a blunt object. Anyway there's nothing there yet so give me a few days.
Watched the Matrix last night, one of the DVDs i got as an early birthday present (the other one's Trainspotting). dialogue sucks, but an overall fucking awesome movie. got all this cool behind-the-scenes shit too. can't wait till Reloaded is on DVD.
ok, just wasting time while i'm burning my mp3's onto CD and trying NOT to think of the 30 hours of flying and waiting in airports that i'm about to embark on.
have fun and watch out for flies in your beer.
|
|
|
| |
| pics! |
| 06.18.03 (6:50 pm) [edit] |
check it out, these are pics from the awards show.
[image_left]caffeine_1424 14447.jpg[/image]
yes, that IS Vin Deisel.
[image_left]caffeine_8606 03568.jpg[/image]
is it getting hot in here, or is that just me?
|
|
|
| |
| undrugged |
| 06.15.03 (5:41 pm) [edit] |
|
i suppose there is some sort of sick justice in this world. my meperdine (demerol) has run out, but my father offered to give me his percocet and oxycontin that was left over from his shoulder surgery (one of the few skydiving injuries he's ever had. he was leaving the plane in formation and this big welsh guy pulled his arm right out of its socket as they exited. accidentally, of course, but it still sucked) which was really nice of him, offering me narcotics when mine had run out. but guess what. over the past summer and christmas break, my sticky little fingers have been in every medicine cabinet and drawer and bag they could get into, taken what it looked like nobody wanted, and taken a little of what anybody did want. Percocet long gone. oxycontin, i dunno but probably also gone. anything that said "take every x hours for PAIN". so now i'm stuck with Advil, and i can't complain about the pain, unless i want my dad (did i mention its Father's Day?) looking vainly for drugs that aren't there. doubtless questions would come up, questions that i don't want to answer. not to mention i don't want my parents thinking i'm a narcotics addict. so i will sit here smiling sweetly, regardless of how i feel. like i said, there is some kind of sick justice in this world.
|
|
|
| |
| two days later |
| 06.13.03 (12:52 pm) [edit] |
i have been drugged up and in pain for the last two days. my demerol is running out because i've taken it twice as often as i should have. one of my teeth they had to break into pieces to get it out, and the swelling on that side is horrendous (sp?). as my mom puts it, i look like a lopsided chipmonk. i can't eat real food unless it is processed in a blender first. basically my diet has consisted of cream of wheat, yogurt, applesauce, and minced peas. and some ice cream. we rented 6 films for me to watch but i either couldn't stay awake (the drugs make me sleepy) or i was too stupid to understand the plot. i had the most sucess with "Dude, Where's My Car" and "Beetlejuice".
now i have to go get the second of a set of three injections to immunize me against Japanese Encephalitis, which only occurs in the Chang Mai Valley in Thailand (where I will be going) in July and August (when I am going). the first one hurt like a bitch. they barely stick the needle under the skin so it swells up and feels like a nasty bruise for 3 or 4 days.
alright, enough with the complaining. i have, after all, gotten to sit on my ass for 3 days, watch tv and movies, binge on narcotics, and have my parents wait on me constantly. there's a silver lining to every cloud.
|
|
|
| |
| unwise |
| 06.10.03 (11:09 am) [edit] |
|
oh GOD i have to get my wisdom teeth out. tomorrow. at 1pm. and i can't eat or drink for 6 hours before. they could have at LEAST had a spot open at like 9 or 10 in the morning. but no. they're going to make me as miserable as possible before they make me as miserable as possible. DAMNIT i don't want to do this!!! they say they're going to impinge soon and probably get infected and nasty sometime in the next year if i don't get them out, and i don't really want to have to deal with that in thailand or london (for obvious reasons) but... WAAAAAAAAAH!!! at least i'll get a bunch of vikadin or codeine or something.
|
|
|
| |
| bearific |
| 06.08.03 (10:36 am) [edit] |
|
i woke up this morning, put on my running clothes and shoes (i'm trying to get back into exercising--RIGHT), and was just about to leave for a run when my dad, who's outside filming birds (he's actually a pretty big nerd for a stuntman) says something about a large dog that looks like a bear. well turns out it IS a bear, not quite a baby but still pretty young. walks right up onto our back deck and comes right to the french doors, big as life. he's black, scrawny, and completely unaware or uncaring of the fact that me, my mom, my dad and my 2 cats are all less than 10 feet away from him on the other side of the glass. then he stood up and--get this--started licking the hummingbird feeder! then, deciding that was way too slow, grabbed it, and chewed on it until the sugar water came pouring out. the bear spent the next 15 minutes licking the feeder and his paws and the deck where most of the liquid had ended up. having depleted this food source, he lumbered around to the front of our house where my dad has hung a birdfeeder filled with sunflower seeds on our front porch. but to get to it, the bear has to climb on top of the wood railing, which is about the funniest thing i have ever seen. he's so ungainly and yet has incredible balance...well he slipped off once and my dad (who has had the video camera on this entire time) started laughing so hard he had to put the camera down. at this point i'm thinking, "home's funniest videos, here we come!" so i tell my dad to get that video camera back on and on the bear. even if we don't send it in its terrific footage anyway. the bear climbs back up, digs his claws into the feeder, and tears a section away so that half of the seeds fall out and onto the porch. he goes back and forth between the porch and the feeder, and then goes under the porch to get the seeds that fell through the cracks. he must have been there for a half hour at least. and then he wandered away. oh, i forgot to mention that just as the bear was leaving the hummingbird feeder in the back, two wild turkeys (there's a group of them that like to hang out in our yard) appear, and my dad got this great shot of the bear walking one way in the foreground and the turkeys walking the other way in the background and it looks like we have a menagerie. i'm almost surprised we didn't see deer bounding by too. sometimes living in the woods doesn't seem all that bad.
|
|
|
| |
| Personality Disorder Test |
| 06.06.03 (10:50 am) [edit] |
they caution you that this test is not a diagnosis, but i always suspected i was a little nuts. here's my results:
[LINE]
[u]Disorder..................Rating[/u]
Paranoid......................Low
Schizoid.......................Low
Schizotypal..................High
Antisocial.....................Low
Borderline....................Very High
Narcissistic...................Low
Avoidant......................Very High
Dependent...................Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive..High
[LINE]
you can take the test too and find out just how crazy you are! see my links.
|
|
|
| |
| butterflies and sunshine! |
| 06.06.03 (10:19 am) [edit] |
|
he wrote me back! he wrote me back! the hottie dancer that i met at the awards show wrote me back! and he's so romantic, he said i danced elegantly and uses words like "embossed" and "intrigued" and said he would love to keep in touch with me while i'm in thailand! i'm completely goofy over this guy that i barely spent an hour with. oh sweet, distant, impossible love! these flutters are better than any one-night stand. how terribly convenient and wonderful this is turning out. because if i was there, if i had stayed, we probably would have fucked a few times and then broke up. but this way, it can stay hot and tantalizing, knowing that some day we may actually meet again but in the meantime there is nothing to do but sigh and dream and write long seductive emails... well if you've read this far you're probably wretching so i won't put you through any more. i'm going to go float off to the kitchen for some lunch.
|
|
|
| |
| stargazing |
| 06.02.03 (11:05 am) [edit] |
|
SO, last night was the World Stunt Awards. a limo picked us up at the house at 5:30 and drove us 2 hours to Paramount Studios in Hollywood where we got the red carpet treatment. as we're getting out (me trying not to flash everyone as i had on a short black cocktail dress) we look over and whoops! there's Harrison Ford with Calista Flockhart (sp?) and let me tell you, he is WAAAAAY too old for her. but i guess that doesn't matter 'cause its Harrison Ford. well i'm not going to tell you every detail of the night cause it would sound so boring but really it was the coolest thing ever. its being shown on television on ABC at 8pm on June 9th (that's a monday) and if you watch, you might even see me on camera. the show was amazing, very flashy and hollywood of course. but the best part was the after party. we got tickets into the VIP section so we could shmooz with the stars. I met Vin Diesel (he's even hotter in real life, and not as intimidating as in XXX--probably 'cause he doesn't have all those tattoos) and some hot shots of the stunt world. I saw Quentin Tarantino drunk off his ass. Drinks and food were complimentary of course, and they weren't carding. There were even women walking around giving out cigarettes. outside of the VIP section there were performers blowing fire and juggling flaming torches on the hoods of some police cars, and a woman in a leotard scooting up and down these two pieces of fabric hanging about 50 feet in the air, she kept twisting them around her legs and ankes and body--very hot. but here's my real exciting story. there was a band/performance group (i can't remember what they're called right now) playing electronica trip-hop and dancers on a wooden floor: girls decked out in fetish and belly-dancing attire, boys in pleather pants without their shirts on, that sort of thing. they periodically opened the dance floor for anyone who wanted to dance. enter me in my too-short coctail dress and killer heels. on an impulse i grabbed one of the shirtless guys and headed onto the floor, where we proceded to dance hot and heavy. i think by the end everyone knew the make and model of the thong i was wearing ;). at the break we stumbled off the stage, breathless, introduced ourselves. my friends finally dragged me away , but "Eric" snuck into the VIP area later and we talked until i had to leave. he was just so cute and sexy in those pants and blond sweaty hair and i was dying for someone to flirt with, movie star or no. turned out he was pretty cool, 22, engineer, getting his masters. not just your everyday circus performer. oh yeah, he was one of the guys with the fire. god, to have had a few more days or even a night there! well anyway he gave me his email address and i wrote him yesterday, maybe he'll write back and maybe he won't. whatever. the thing is, though, i'm going back to southern cal next summer to get my skydiving certification and work at the Perris drop zone, so maybe just maybe we'll run into each other again. sigh. why do these things always happen to me only on vacation?
|
|
|
| |
| drop zone blues |
| 05.30.03 (3:41 pm) [edit] |
here i am, in southern california, at the Perris Valley Drop Zone, the hottest spot for skydiving in the country. my dad is organizing a promotional skydiving formation for oakley and james bond. 24 people, mostly old friends of my dads and mega-experienced skydivers, are putting on tuxes (and the women are wearing white jump suits with sexy black victoria secret underwear) and wearing oakley sunglasses (thanks to one of they skydivers who works for oakley) are forming "007" in the sky. unfortunately my dad has been out of commission since he dislocated his shoulder during the Thai Sky Festival (see links) skydiving boogie in march. so he's stuck on the ground while everyone else is in the air having a blast. well... they're trying anyway. they haven't gotten the formation yet but they'd better get it in the next few hours or everyone's gonna go home real pissed.
There was talk last night of getting me a tandem and most of the 007 jumpers in a formation around it, but at the rate they're going, it doesn't look like there's gonna be time. ah well, such is life.
i broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday, from a vending machine in the bar on the DZ. i had tried to buy them at a gas station, but they wouldn't accept my passport as proof of my age! i mean, SERIOUSLY. the bitch said she needed my drivers licence, but all i have is a temporary paper one 'cause it got stolen at a party a few months ago and i was only in MT for 3 days before flying to arizona. i mean, WHAT IF YOU DON'T DRIVE??? i'm still fucking 19 years old! what is it with people in lowly positions that makes them feel they must abuse their power? anyway, like i said, they had a vending machine here (i didn't think they even HAD those anymore) so i got 4.50 in quarters and punched the button before anyone i know saw me. i can drink around these people, and i do, which is illegal, but i can't smoke a cigarette, which is totally legal. but i swear, this is my last pack until i get to england.
oh, yeah, so 2 days ago my dad brought me along to paramount studios where he's coordinating a skydive into the stunt awards (it'll be on TV on the 7th, i'll post the time and channel as soon as i find out) and i got to walk around the backlot a little. so cool. the "streets" looked REALLY familiar. there wasn't anything especially exciting going on, though they were setting up a playboy shoot for the stuntMEN who are modeling somebody's expensive designer clothes. no hot models running around, unfortunately.
the man who got me the job in thailand this summer is one of the skydivers here, so we've been talking about my upcoming trip, which is pretty exciting. he says stuff in thai to me, and i try to say it back and fail miserably. i found out that i'm going to be teaching mainly university-aged students though, which i'm rather terrified about. little kids or grownups i would have been fine with, but people my own age SCARE me. apparently though they're all real happy about me coming and can't wait till i get there, so i have that in my favor anyway. and chances are, he said, that i will learn as much thai as much english that i teach. ok that sentence was a grammatical nightmare but i think you know what i mean.
alright, i'll post again when anything new and fun happens.
|
|
|
| |
| addiction |
| 05.26.03 (11:43 pm) [edit] |
i quit smoking (cigarettes, not the other stuff) when i left school a week ago, and IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! all i want is a little freaking nicotine! but i'm around my parents and grandparents and i don't have any cigs so i couldn't smoke even if i decided to break my oath, and i would in a heartbeat if i could so i guess its good that i can't. at least i found some percoset in the medicine cabinet so i'm not banging my head on the walls. before i did though i was a crabby bitch and i don't know what i'll do when the pills run out, find something else to get addicted to i guess. soon anyway i'll be in thailand buying all the pharmaceudical candy i can. please, don't act so shocked. at least its not coke. i'm too poor to buy coke, thank god*. (*i'm not religious, at least not in the christian or jewish or muslim sense of the term. this is just a phrase that can't be appropriately replaced by any atheistic term.) i like feeling high. i can't stand feeling sober, normal, dull, benign, ordinary, moderate, tepid, monotone, in-between, similar, boring, every-day, gray, flat. ugh. i am a pleasure-seeker. wherever i get my rush doesn't matter as long as my actual life isn't in danger. you wonder how i pierced my own ears and nose, and began giving myself my own tattoo. the only reason i stopped was that it wasn't working, the ink wouldn't stay in no matter how many times or how deep i thrust the needle into my skin. heheh now that's just creepy, i'll admit. actually i hate needles most of the time, i nearly faint every time i have to give a blood sample or get a shot. and IV's in the hospital...oh man. not even funny what a wuss i am them. you should have seen the state i was in when i got my REAL tattoo. but that's another story. the point is, i gotta FEEL. the ultimate in sensations is the alteration of consciousness. this can be achieved with meditation, exercise, sex, music, religion, ritual, fasting, drinking, riding a rollercoaster, skydiving, watching pretty moving patterns, or, perhaps the most extreme and laziest way, drugs. used in moderation and under safe conditions, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH DRUGS. some drugs make "crazy" people "normal". others do the opposite. i.e. some drugs make the voices and images go away; others bring them out. see, what is "crazy" anyway? a difference of opinion on what is real. that's all. some people think god is real. others don't. does that make either group crazy? of course not. who knows, maybe the schitzophrenics are right.
more on this topic later. i got to get up damn early tomorrow to get in the car to go to Perris, CA from Catalina, AZ (Tucson to L.A. essentially) or 450 miles, 7 1/2 hours. at least i'm not driving. lots of music, and lots of percocets.
p.s. i'm AWARE that i have a problem. i have many problems. i haven't even begun to talk about my sex life. don't think i'm not a little bitter about being reliant on drugs to give me the high i should be getting out of life. i'm getting help. so no lectures! friends, however, do help, so leave me comments telling me how cool i am DESPITE my insecurities and neuroses.
|
|
|
| |
| finally! a blog that works! |
| 05.25.03 (7:03 pm) [edit] |
below are my last two posts, that i posted on my last blog that did not work too well. but this one does.
[b]ghosts, golf carts and greenhouses[/b]
Sunday May 25, 2003
Posted by: caffeine (6:24:22 PM MST)
yesterday we flew down to arizona to visit my grandparents at their new house in the Saddlebrooke "active adult" community. its actually quite nice, and they let me drive their golf cart to the store to buy ice cream and beer. well my mom bought the beer. damn alchohol laws. anyway my dad, who had been in L.A. working on a stunt sequence that's going to be shown during the stuntman's awards on june 1 (it'll be on tv the 9th! watch it!) and he met us at the phoenix airport. on the long drive to my grandparents' i mentioned how cool Matrix: Reloaded was (i've seen it twice already) and my dad asked if i remembered the albino twins, and of course i did, they were two of my favorite characters, after the merilvingian (sp?) and Trinity, and then my dad says he just HUNG OUT with them for 3 days at somebody's house in california! i said no way! i can't believe that. and then i got real jealous. its not fair, he hasn't even seen the movie, just their sequence. he said they're not really albinos and they don't really have dreads. ooh big surprise. actually they're not even supposed to be albinos, they're supposed to be ghosts, according to the director when some real albinos got offended. geez people will get all hissy over anything now.
today we went to the Biosphere 2, remember that self-sustaining enclosure experiment in the early 90's? most of its open for tours now, but its still a very separate environment from the desert outside. the engineering that went into making that thing was amazing. for example, since it was airtight, when the sun heated the air inside the biodome, it would expand and potentially the whole thing could explode, so they had to build an inflatable "lung" (actually they built 2 of them) to allow for the expansion and condensation of the air. its not airtight anymore (obviously) so we got to go inside one of the expansion chambers, which was incredible. i think they had to end the experiment after 2 years because they couldn't grow enough food or produce enough oxygen with the plants, but its awesome they could even stay inside that long. and stay sane. i mean living with the same 7 people, SCIENTISTS no less, in basically what is an oversized greenhouse, i'd probably start killing people.
for those of you who are STUPID, Biosphere 1 is the EARTH.
[b]up to bat[/b]
Friday May 23, 2003
Posted by: caffeine (11:34:35 PM MST)
so this afternoon i found a bat poking out of our wood stove. no, it wasn't on fire. it had crawled in and down the chimney and was trying to make its way into our house through one of the vents. the vent, however, was only big enough to let about half a bat through. i noticed my cat staring at the stove as if it were his next meal. i go over and take a look, and there's the head and one wing of a bat sticking out. looks dead, i think to myself, but just to be sure, i blow on it. of course this requires me putting my face pretty near it, and of course the bat is NOT dead, merely stuck. it lets out a whole string of squeaky bat noises as if to say, why the fuck you blowing air in my face? get me the hell out of here! well he might have been saying I AM SATAN--SELL ME YOUR SOUL for all i know, i don't speak bat. anyway, neither i nor my mother wanted to have anything to do with it, it could have rabies or anything, and my dad's not home (he usually takes care of the wild animals that find their way into our house) so we end up calling the Orkin man, and Animal Control, but they're closed, and the message says to call the sheriff in case of emergency. well this wasn't exactly an emergency but we happen to be good friends with the sheriff's family, so we called him, and he came over with his son and somehow they got the bat out of the stove and threw it outside. my cat was dissapointed, he wanted to play with the nice bat. my mom and i, however, were thrilled. and somewhat embarrassed. shut up! i'm tough!
[LINE]
[LINE]
|
|
|
| |
|
|
